


Not every star is a star, but you really are

by pigtalemydarling



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: A lot of stars mentioned, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Doubt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, Harry is very thoughtful, M/M, Minor Niall Horan/Zayn Malik, Mutual Masturbation, before zayn left
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-05-04
Updated: 2015-05-10
Packaged: 2018-03-29 00:28:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3875572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pigtalemydarling/pseuds/pigtalemydarling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It feels like he should still be back in England, where he has his mum cooking him dinner. Where he has friends and a stupid band that has admittedly 5 fans. Where he feels like Harry is his name and not a brand. </p>
<p>Or: the one where Harry doubts a lot and at the same time tries to convince Zayn (or maybe himself) that life is good and not always having what you want and need is totally fine. Totally.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I started writing this ages ago and then I stopped and later I thought I lost this work. But magically I found it last week and reread it and it is kind of suiting the situation rn. 
> 
> Zayn hasn't left in this and there are also no girlfriends involved at all. 
> 
> That title though. Great work. 
> 
> Enjoy.

"Hey, join us!" He was feeling like shit and could burst out in tears every minute, but they didn't seem to notice, or care.

It was alright though. He didn't want them to comfort him, he didn't want _forced_ love or anything of that sort. He just wanted it to be real, he wanted everything to be real. He wanted the 'we' to be real.

He shook his head lightly, tight lipped, forced smile on his face. "I have plans." He did in fact, and walked away from his forced-on-him, but still really-good friends. Still feeling horrible.

 

-+-

 

Harry couldn't stop sighing as soon as he'd set foot inside the tourbus later in the evening. It was still warm outside and he should feel buzzed about their show earlier that day, but all Harry could think was how good it felt to be back in his comfort zone. Back where pretending wasn't necessary and masks were strictly forbidden. Back to where he could be one person at a time.

He walked his way inside the bus silently, he had gone to get a new tattoo on his shoulder whereas the others had stayed in and were still playing some horribly loud game on the newest playstation. He still wasn't feeling up for it though, he just wanted the comfort of his covers and pillow, while he could doze off to a place where he had what he wanted or couldn't have.

He dared a glance across the bunks and was thankful that no one was there, which meant he could sneak in and wouldn't have to face anyone. He kicked his boots off, unzipped his pants, stepping out of them and carelessly leaving them on the floor and tossed his tanktop on the pile too, careful not to hurt his still sore shoulder while taking it off. Freed of his unnessasary weight, he climbed the painful ladder to his bunk where he sighed again as he lay flat on his back under the warm covers. He felt his hands trembling, along with the rest of his body and closed his eyes tightly, _now is not the time_ , he thought to himself but he couldn't resist.

On the ceiling of the bus he had drawn stars with a glow in the dark marker and to each star he'd sticked a photo of someone he cared about so much that he missed them almost every night. The other boys had teased him about it occasionally but at the same time respected Harry's privacy, so they promised they wouldn't ever look at them. He reached out for the biggest star and turned the picture around when he ripped it off the ceiling. It was Grimmy and even though he never said it out loud, Grimmy had conquered a very big part of his heart. He and Harry had hooked up more than often, but he meant so much more to the younger boy than he thought. Harry loved the sex, obviously, but the cuddling and whispered conversations afterwards meant just as much to him, if not more. In those moments he felt like he was loved. But once on tour he would not visit one time, even though Harry was willing to pay for him, he would always come up with excuses to the point where it was clear to Harry that it wasn't mutual so he stopped trying.

He sighed as he turned the picture over again, so he didn't have to look at it anymore, and sticked it to a different star. Grimmy would always be part of his heart, but Harry didn't love him like that anymore, he couldn't. He was, since a while now, _InMyHeart_ -Grimmy instead of _InMyLife_ -Grimmy.

As Harry rubbed the sleep from his eyes he was suddenly met with a sharp light and the face of an angel, it was Zayn, who smiled sheepishly at him with the curtain still clutched in his fist. "Hey. Um. Room for two?" He sounded hesitant, because he saw Harry was tracing his fingers over the stars and they had a rule. But Harry dropped his hands and shuffeld a bit to the side so Zayn would fit in. He heard him grumble when he climbed up, but he made it inside the bunk and decided to curl up to Harry. His nose buried in his neck and an arm and leg draped over the younger boy. Honestly, Harry could stand Zayn the most in times like this, out of the four of them.

"I can't be here anymore, Haz." He whispered in his ear with a voice trembling so much, Harry was pretty sure he was on the verge of tears. "Where?"

"Here, in this world that doesn't exist. I just want to go home, I want to be real again."

Harry blinked in surprise, Zayn had made these kind of comments before but this one was more real in a way. As if he was completely serious. Harry had these same feelings, the exact same, so he linked their hands together. They could share it, comfort each other. "You love us all, right?"

"Of course." He smiled a bit at how easy it was to tell each other that, never a moment of hesitation, which only meant they were so sure about it.

"Then we are your home, Zayn. We are the ones that you are real around. You don't need pretending when we see right through everything. The world is oblivious, but I'm not." He could hear Zayn sigh and relax a bit more under his touch.

"I know that. But don't you ever feel like this?" Harry had to do his best to not let a laugh escape.

"Every night, babe. Why do you think I have these?" He lifted his free hand in the dark to trace his fingers over the stars again.

"I honestly never understood them." He chuckled and rested his head on Harry's chest now, so that he could look at the stars better.

"Can you keep a secret then?" He dropped his hand and ran his fingers through Zayn's hair. He never felt the urge to explain them to anyone. It was kind of his thing, but he, oddly enough, didn't even hesitate about telling Zayn or not.

"You don't have to Haz. It's okay."

Zayn knew how Harry got when one of them made a comment about his stars and he definitely didn't want to push him into doing something he didn't want.

"No, I want to." As if he was reading his thoughts.

"You know I can keep secrets like they're my own."

It fell silent then and Zayn hesitated for a moment if Harry had fallen asleep or had maybe changed his mind. But then after a long minute he spoke up, voice toned down to a whisper.

"You know, back when we weren't famous, I was just at home, didn't do anything special, took everything for granted but at night I still felt happy and grateful because I knew my mum, dad and sister where there with me. In the same house." Zayn hummed in agreement, because that's what he did too. "That is what I miss the most now, just knowing that they are alright and that we all keep each other safe. But at the same time, that's what I have with the four of you now. I can't even imagine being without you. And, even though I don't always get along with some of you, I realised you were my new family, a family that follows me everywhere and always has my back."

Harry turned his head, it was hard to see in the dark but he could see shadows playing on Zayn's face and a light refelected in his eyes when they made contact. Harry couldn't resist and traced his thumb over the outline of Zayn's face. Zayn took his hand smiling and kissed the knuckles softly.

"So what does that have to do with your stars?" Harry snapped back to the real world again and looked away.

"You know that quote from George R. R. Martin? From a storm of swords?" Zayn considered it for a moment but knew he didn't, so he shook his head.

"We look up at the same stars, and see such different things, he wrote. And that made me wonder why we see such different things, but I soon realised the answer is quite easy."

"Because we are all different?" Zayn ended for him. Harry could hear him smile, which made him smile too.

"Exactly. So.. People are like stars, right? When I look at, lets say, just a random woman on the street, I might just see a woman, nothing more because I don't know her, but when for example her husband looks at her, he feels so much. Things that I can't feel when I see her. And that's just what I love. We see the same thing, but think so differently of it." Harry knew in the back of his head that this wouldn't be understood by everyone, but Zayn was always thoughtful and understanding, so he should be alright.

"I never thought of that before.. But why did you draw them here then?"

"Right, I, um. We all see stars, right. All over the world, everyone sees them. So that's what makes me feel connected with the ones I love. They are like, the eye contact that we can't have. So I" He hesitated there for some time, it meant he was giving away a lot of himself. A lot more than he ever thought he would, but it was Zayn and Zayn was like. . . His light. "So, you know what. Do it yourself. Go ahead, reach for a star."

He took hold of Zayn's wrist hesitantly and was shaking softly when he pulled it up. Zayn looked him in the eyes with even more hesitation when Harry let go of his wrist, but he reached for the nearest star and felt a little bump.

He heard Harry take a deep breath, so he copied him as he took the black card off the, just as black, ceiling. He turned it around when it reached his eye level and was met with the one and only Nick Grimshaw. He was starting to feel insecure but he ran his fingers over the photo, over Nick's face. Nick looked so much like Nick, careless, happy, sassy, diva-Nick.

"What do you see?" Harry whispered in his hair.

"Nick in all his glory. Your best friend." He searched for Harry's eyes and found them smiling back at him.

"We broke off contact." He sighed sadly. "But I will always love that man."

"You did what?! Did something happen? You were unsepareable." Zayn gawked at him.

Harry chuckled softly and reached for the picture. "We hooked up whenever I was in England, but everyone knows the friends with benefits thing doesn't work. And I think I fell in love with him, so when I told him we couldn't have sex anymore- well, he guessed I was in love, and he didn't want that so he just cut the head off our friendship. Like, oh, bye best friend, see you never, have a good life." Harry shrugged, tried his best not to sound too sad, he was of course, but he wasn't in love anymore.

"What a dick." Zayn mumbled, more to himself. "But you still love 'em then?"

Harry went to stick the card back next to a star, but turned it around one more time when Zayn asked that question. He shook his head, "I will always love him, but just as something I once had and lost along the way and will never find back. Something I'll remember and cherish." It was back on the ceiling now. Somewhere else. "I always stick them back somewhere else, so that when I pick one, I'm always surprised. As if they decided to visit you, without calling, you know?" He was kind of answering a question Zayn hadn't asked, but he could feel his questioning gaze pierce through his hands when he was sticking it on again.

"I always visit without calling." Harry could just hear him smile while he said it. And Harry had to keep himself from saying how true it actually was what Zayn just said. How that said so much more than Zayn really meant to say.

"You open more than one per night?" Harry knew he did most of the time, as after he opened the first one and that was either his mum or his sister, he would start crying, and in that case he needed someone else to comfort him. Someone else that was right there, being a star that lit up his dark coloured thoughts.

"Depends how much I miss the comfort. I sometimes get even more sad when I open them."

Zayn narrowed his eyebrows and took Harry's hand in his this time. "Why don't you just come to my bunk and talk about it? Or maybe even just cuddle?" Harry made a noise, a strange noise in the back of his throat. Because he couldn't do that, losing one friend was worse enough. He had feelings, feelings he shouldn't be having and definetly shouldn't be saying out loud. He rubbed his temple with his free hand while he said, "Niall's with you most of the time. . . You want to open another one, or have you already felt the effect?" He tried to talk over it. He felt Zayn shift a bit uncomfortably at his words and he heard him open and close his mouth a few times as if he wanted to say something he couldn't, but he eventually said, "If I may?"

Harry just nodded and Zayn's hand went up again, this time a bit less insecure. He seemed to know what he was doing, but just before he picked one he sort of scanned them all. Eventually he landed on a star that was faded out a bit, as if Harry accidentially smudged it out when he drew it. "That star is damaged." Zayn mumbled in a sad tone, as if he already assumed that the person on the photo mirrored the star.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will always love Zayn sooo yeah  
> I just hope more people will
> 
> Also, i'm thinking to let this whole fic take place in their bunks, like, except for some walking round the tourbus or mentions of places. Do you think that's a good idea? 
> 
> X.

"Wait, I-" Harry suddenly felt the need to ask about it. He was still in this band because he knew he could trust his boys and knew just about everything about them, but he felt like he recently was being left out in some parts and sometimes it even felt like he was drifting away from them.

Harry had a lot of friends outside the band, he would often get away to see them when they happened to be in the same place as Harry and that's just who he is, really. And the boys don't know him any different, but it  _does_  mean that he misses a lot of together-time.

The times his four friends are busy bonding, he is busy maintaining friendships that mean so much less to him. He kind of hates that about himself. That he feels the need to be liked and loved and appreciated. Always fishing for compliments and trying his hardest to make people smile at his jokes and leaving good impressions.

No one has ever told him they find it annoying, but Harry himself hates it. "uhm, I just-" he mumbles as Zayn looks at him curiously, clearly not expecting Harry to talk at this point at all.

"Can I? Like, come to your bunk I mean? If I need to?" He looks away as he asks, feeling stupid for asking that instead of just going straight to the point.   

Zayn breathes a small laugh through his nose. "Of course, ya silly. You can even come to me if you just  _want_  to, you know ." He chuckles and reached out to twist Harry's nose playfully.   

He doesn't see the fun in this though, he was being completely serious, so he sighs and says, "Is something going on with you and Ni?" Zayns eyebrows draw together instantly and he can feel his whole body go tense.

"I mean, that would be completely fine of course, but just- why didn't you tell us? Like, it seems quite important for us to know that you two are involved, right?"   

Harry doesn't dare looking at Zayn but he can hear him thinking and he obviously doesn’t know what to say, as he stays silent and his body is still frozen. "You really don’t have to tell me anything if you two aren't ready. But just know that we really wouldn’t mind yeah?"   

He feels Zayn shiver then and before he knows he has Zayn as a whole pressed up against him. Not quite as tense anymore but very shaky and fragile. For a moment he thinks he is crying or at least on the verge of tears, so all Harry can do is wrap his arms around the smaller boy and trace his fingers through his hair to soothe him.

"Hey, what's wrong. Are you okay?"   

He feels Zayn nod and mumble something but he lets it slide for a moment. Zayn'll tell him if he's ready. He won't push. So instead he keeps shushing him to try to give some kind of comfort, it's the least he can do really. 

"I'm just so stupid Harry..." He breaks of with something close to a whimper. He tightens his arms around him. "I'm so afraid that this is going to break the band apart. And I'm so sorry. It's all my fault, Haz. I shouldn't have- just- I don't know what's wrong with me." 

"Hey. Hey, it's fine yeah? Zayn. You won't break us up. Whatever it is, it's fine. It's all good, take a breath. Don't drag yourself down like that love." Harry didn't really know what to think. He was assuming Zayn and Niall were like, Zayn and Niall. But then everything Zayn's saying wouldn't make sense. 

Then, suddenly Zayn stiffens again and rolls over to start climbing out of the bunk bed. 

"Shit- I should. Don't, like, look Haz. Forget I said anything yeah? It's nothing. I'm fine. We're fine." He was on the ground then, looking worn out and tired and mostly confused. "Just forget about it." He says again, shuffling on his feet awkwardly.

"Right. I'm just gonna," he scratches his neck idly and then in one move turns around and climbs in his bunk and closes the small curtain. Not giving Harry the chance to say or do anything other than go to sleep himself. 

 

\---

 

Of course that wasn't gonna happen. 

Harry felt confused and slightly upset. Zayn was upset. He was hurt, probably by Niall. Or at least because of something to do with Niall. And he knows he said he didn't need to know. But he needs to know. Zayn's sad and Harry needs to know what is wrong to be able to fix it. He wants Zayn to be alright. 

Harry thinks about the relationship between Niall and Zayn, but he can't say he noticed any cracks recently. He hasn't noticed them fighting or even just avoiding each other. Which makes it even more confusing. 

He thinks back to when he first started to notice something was happening between them.

It started one rowdy night on the tourbus. Harry was tired and worn out from the concert but felt itchy and strange and couldn't sleep. So, he climed out of his bunk to take a piss when he ran into Niall. His eyes widened before they relaxed again, and Harry really didn't notice back then. 

"Why're you up?" He remembers asking Niall. 

"Ehh, couldn't sleep.. I was just gonna-" He trailed of then and smiled sheepishly. 

Harry had furrowed his brows but he wasn't one to push, not  _always_  okay, and then shook his hair away from his face before turning around and walking to the loo and telling Niall he should really catch some as they have an early soundcheck. He didn't get a response but he really didn't care either. 

He went to take a piss. Looked disapprovingly at himself in the mirror. Washed his hands and face and then walked back towards the bunks. 

As he was about the get in his again he heard a soft giggle from one of the others' bunks. Curious, he inspected them with a frown on his face. When he really started concentrating on hearing sounds over the low hum of the bus, he heard whispers coming from Zayn's. Whispers from Niall and Zayn, to be precise. 

He did, back then, shake his head fondly at how unsubtle and mysterious Niall was being earlier on and then went to bed, not sparing it another thought. 

Now though, he knows that that must have been the start. The start of them really getting to know each other. Whether it be as friends, or as more, Harry doesn't know. Or actually, he _does_ know. Maybe.

After overhearing Niall and Zayn that night, he started to notice other things. Not because they were obvious about it, but because it was just so unlike Zayn and Niall to do the things they were doing.

The band was know to get a bit touchy feely now and then, but Zayn and Niall were always a bit more reserved with things such as giving hickeys or twisting nipples. Let alone they'd do that on each other.

They did start doing that though, and they didn’t leave it to that either. They'd kiss the other's cheek, slap bums, bite ears, whisper and Harry could make an endless list probably. And again, it's not something that really turned heads, but it did for Harry. It just didn't fit Zayn and Niall's relationship. Friends, but not the closest of.

He tried to talk to Liam about it one night but he just shrugged and told him to "try not to make a big deal about it". Which didn't confuse Harry even more, at all.

But he let it slide, because on good days he doesn't push.

That all started about three or four months ago and Harry hasn't made a big deal about it. He really hasn’t. But he apparently kept it in for so long that he couldn’t no more. He had to know and he still does.

 

\---

 

"I don’t want to talk." Zayn says and pulls his blanket over his head, grumbling. Harry just chuckles and pulls on the blanket to reveal Zayn's face, while sliding in the small space left in the bunk.

"You said I could come to you." He can hear Zayn thinking of ways to kill him, but he is determined.

"Zayn." He whines. "Shove your big bum over."

He surprisingly does as said, which is a good first step Harry assumes. "I know you don’t want to talk but I do. And I also really want you to listen and yeah, is that alright?"

Harry tries very hard to see Zayn in the darkness and is just about able to see him shrug and pull up is top lip in disinterest. Harry heaves a sigh and starts, "Okay. Firstly, I've been thinking and I know there must be something wrong between you and Niall. And I have suspicions that you two were or are more than friends, as I always hear you and Ni talking at night and you’ve become more handsy towards each other than you were before.

"Though, I can't figure out what the problem would be and why you wouldn't just tell us about your relationshi-" He was stopped by Zayn's hand closing over Harry's mouth. But the latter quickly dodged him.

"No, let me finish. I would be so proud to have someone like you by my side, that I just can't imagine you wouldn't want to show everyone what a beautiful guy you got yourself. So that is my first question."

He shoots Zayn a determined look and hopes it urges him on to speak and explain. "Harry." He mumbles a lot less sleepy, turning so he can look at Harry. "You would be proud to have someone like me by your side..? What? That doesn't even make sense. And I didn't want to talk yeah? Please just let it slide and go to sleep or if you're not going to sleep then go to your own bed."

He rubs his eyes and puts on a show of yawning. "Night, Haz."

Harry doesn’t take it though. "Of course I would be! Don’t be ridiculous, Zayn. You're amazing. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise okay?" He needs to shake his head to process what he's just said and mentally slaps himself a few times for always saying things he's thinking but shouldn't be said out loud. Zayn's blinking up at him as if he's amazing too though. And that is an image Harry never wants to forget.

"Don't take my attention away from the question! What is going on Zayn?"

He breaks his gaze away and looks at his hands instead. "I really don't want to talk about it."

Harry reaches out and takes Zayn's hands in his own, rubbing his thumb over his palm. "You'll have to if you're going to be sad the whole time. I don't want you sad, cause that makes me sad. And I just really want to fix whatever's going on. So, please, just let me help you."

Zayn looks at him, eyes twinkling in the low lights from the bus and Harry trails his eyes over the man's face, which he shouldn't have done because they are way to closely pressed together for Harry to be experiencing things like that.

"I've been told I'm pretty good at helping people out." He smiles comfortingly.

Zayn breathes out a laugh. "I know you are good, Harry. But you won't have to help if I'm going to stop being sad right? I won't be sad anymore. I promise you that."

He puts his free arm around Harry's neck and pulls him down next to him. "And if I ever will be sad again, then I know you're right there, yeah? You'll be my rock like always."

Harry nuzzels his nose in Zayn's neck. "Yeah, always." Because, seriously, who can resist a boy like that.

He can feel Zayn smile against his forehead and so he does as well. "Let's catch some sleep."

They stay silent then. And after a while he can hear Zayn's breathing become shallow and Harry can totally get used to this. And he still wants to know everything of course, but he might be able to bug Liam and get something out of him.

Or _maybe_ he will be patient enough to wait for Zayn to be ready to tell him. Maybe.

\---

He decides to steal Liam away first thing in the morning before drifting off to sleep with his face still buried in Zayn's neck, small smile on his face.


End file.
